Looking Out the Window

We can look through a window.  We can see out, observe, but a window is a barrier to being completely over on the other side.  The only way we can be touched or understand what is on the other side of the window is to open it or break the glass.  

I like to follow outcasts on Twitter and people who don't completely fit the mold or the usual mode.  I do so because I'm an outcast, and I don't fit the standard mold.  I don't fit in completely with black or white Americans despite spending most of my years in the US. Yes, I have the  American characteristic of being impatient, wanting things to not delay to get moving, but having lived off and on abroad I'm now somewhere between American impatience and Eastern patience.  

I live in Turkey now, or for now.  I used to feel I had so much in common with the Turks, but now I don't feel I fit in completely with them either.  I don't fit in well with the disorganization and unpredictability of Turkey.  But yes, at the same time I do. It has been hard adjusting to the spontaneity of here. 

There's not the kind of racism against blacks found in Turkey like it is in America, but I feel that no matter where you are in this world there's a degree of conformity to white supremacy whether people are conscious or unconscious about their attitudes, perceptions, and tastes. It's very difficult to read or understand what is going on when a person is foreign to a culture.  With Turkey I'm just not as sure as I once was.  I will leave it at that...  

An Iraqi woman I follow on Twitter said exactly how I feel not to long ago.  She posted I'm a insider looking out and an outsider looking in.  I would say in America I'm both the insider and the outsider. That I'm black means I will always be an outsider.  Here I'm an outsider and I'll probably never be an insider.  Once I wanted very much to be an insider in Turkey, but now I'd rather stay to myself, do my job, and keep my head low.  Maybe I will return to my love and enthusiasm for Turkey. Maybe I won't.  This is a time of self assessment, and I don't think I can somehow find my depth and who Sincerae was meant to be among people who place human company and human love tantamount to most things.  I know all of that is transient, so I am trying to find me and what life means rather than trying to find the Turks now.  I don't seek them.  Last night a Turkish man that I was told by a friend had asked about me texted and invited me out to tea. I made an excuse not to go. Turks who consider themselves my friends are wonderful.  There are many good people here.  However, I've come to realize there is something bigger than here or even this entire life.  I've found this out in my loneliness and despair.  

Two days ago when I cried out in despair on Twitter and Facebook (yeah, I've re-entered Facebook again at my own risk) a friend on Facebook who is Spanish posted this on my page. 

'Black people are the origin of all modern humanity, and they have deep culture and have proved to be great at all sciences and arts. Don't let anyone make you feel bad. This is just wrong. Don't get that negativity get into you, they are just haters.'

He's an outcast too.  His wife told me that since he's blonde he doesn't fit in well with the other Spaniards and is often discriminated against.  People mistake him for being a German.  His words were a great comfort.  

So outcasts can recognize each other.  Some of us choose to be outcasts.  For others being behind the glass not being able to touch and only looking in is a choice.  I think about ascetics that choose that way.  Sometimes you have to become the outcast, desire nothing, seek nothing or no one to really understand the meaning of this life and thus evolve into a better person.  

Best not to break the glass at this time...