A Class Activity With Two of My Youngest Students

It has been a while since I last posted.  I began writing a serious post this week which I hope to finish in the coming days.  

Today an activity in one of my classes evolved into something unplanned that I wanted to share here. 

Most of my students are college (university) age and professionals.  I have a three hour Saturday class of three girls.  The youngest is ten years old, and the other two are about thirteen.  Today there was an activity in their English book (Your Space 2 published by Cambridge University Press) that called for the writing of a short rap song using the words "have to."  One of the girls missed out on this, unfortunately, since she was absent. 

While the girls were writing their rap together it came into my mind that they should film it on their phones.  They both have phones. In fact, the ten year old is the owner of an iPhone. Before I could express my brainwave Edanaz, who is ten, asked if they could have time to rehearse their rap and then film it.  I eagerly and totally agreed. 

We tried to film the rap inside the classroom, but the video came out too dark, so the girls gave me their phones and I filmed the rap just outside on the balcony.  Here's the final result with my two cute students.  :) 

İngilizce kursunda yaptığımız çalışma :))
Posted by Zeynep Sude Kasap on Saturday, April 25, 2015

A Brief Post About Failure and Success

Do not be afraid of failure. We learn from failure and mistakes. 

Many people in my country try various things before they are successful. They fail, and then they rise again. Often they go to colleges and universities and they cannot find careers in their chosen field. Instead of giving up, doing nothing, or blaming someone else, they plan for and seek a career in other areas.  Many have had various career positions in a lifetime. Take the example of Dmitry Orlov who is originally from Russia and is an American citizen. Orlov started his career as an engineer. Now he is a professional blogger (his blog Club Orlov), an author and lecturer who is into living a sustainable lifestyle. During the collapse of the Soviet Union he said one of the ways the Russian people survived is because they took their hobbies or little side jobs and they turned them into extra sources of income. For example, If they liked sewing, they used their sewing machine to make money. 

To be successful you have to be flexible, work hard, be reliable, be unfraid of failure, be creative, and invite change. Sometimes the most difficult act of all in overcominf failure is to remove the lazy, unmotivated, average people many of us surround ourselves with.  The humans nearest to us, family and friends, can often be the ones to hold us back more than anything, and after them follow our own thoughts.  

Failure is not a death sentence, and it shouldn't destroy one's ego. We have to overcome the ego. In Sufism it's called "nafs"; in Christianity "pride". Too much of it ultimately results in failure. 

Failure itself is a lesson. You either stop and die in it or you learn from it and then move forward to the prize.

Looking Out the Window

We can look through a window.  We can see out, observe, but a window is a barrier to being completely over on the other side.  The only way we can be touched or understand what is on the other side of the window is to open it or break the glass.  

I like to follow outcasts on Twitter and people who don't completely fit the mold or the usual mode.  I do so because I'm an outcast, and I don't fit the standard mold.  I don't fit in completely with black or white Americans despite spending most of my years in the US. Yes, I have the  American characteristic of being impatient, wanting things to not delay to get moving, but having lived off and on abroad I'm now somewhere between American impatience and Eastern patience.  

I live in Turkey now, or for now.  I used to feel I had so much in common with the Turks, but now I don't feel I fit in completely with them either.  I don't fit in well with the disorganization and unpredictability of Turkey.  But yes, at the same time I do. It has been hard adjusting to the spontaneity of here. 

There's not the kind of racism against blacks found in Turkey like it is in America, but I feel that no matter where you are in this world there's a degree of conformity to white supremacy whether people are conscious or unconscious about their attitudes, perceptions, and tastes. It's very difficult to read or understand what is going on when a person is foreign to a culture.  With Turkey I'm just not as sure as I once was.  I will leave it at that...  

An Iraqi woman I follow on Twitter said exactly how I feel not to long ago.  She posted I'm a insider looking out and an outsider looking in.  I would say in America I'm both the insider and the outsider. That I'm black means I will always be an outsider.  Here I'm an outsider and I'll probably never be an insider.  Once I wanted very much to be an insider in Turkey, but now I'd rather stay to myself, do my job, and keep my head low.  Maybe I will return to my love and enthusiasm for Turkey. Maybe I won't.  This is a time of self assessment, and I don't think I can somehow find my depth and who Sincerae was meant to be among people who place human company and human love tantamount to most things.  I know all of that is transient, so I am trying to find me and what life means rather than trying to find the Turks now.  I don't seek them.  Last night a Turkish man that I was told by a friend had asked about me texted and invited me out to tea. I made an excuse not to go. Turks who consider themselves my friends are wonderful.  There are many good people here.  However, I've come to realize there is something bigger than here or even this entire life.  I've found this out in my loneliness and despair.  

Two days ago when I cried out in despair on Twitter and Facebook (yeah, I've re-entered Facebook again at my own risk) a friend on Facebook who is Spanish posted this on my page. 

'Black people are the origin of all modern humanity, and they have deep culture and have proved to be great at all sciences and arts. Don't let anyone make you feel bad. This is just wrong. Don't get that negativity get into you, they are just haters.'

He's an outcast too.  His wife told me that since he's blonde he doesn't fit in well with the other Spaniards and is often discriminated against.  People mistake him for being a German.  His words were a great comfort.  

So outcasts can recognize each other.  Some of us choose to be outcasts.  For others being behind the glass not being able to touch and only looking in is a choice.  I think about ascetics that choose that way.  Sometimes you have to become the outcast, desire nothing, seek nothing or no one to really understand the meaning of this life and thus evolve into a better person.  

Best not to break the glass at this time...

Embarrassment: Why I'm Still a Beginner at Turkish

There is no excuse.  I am embarrassed and quite ashamed of myself the more I think about it. 

My Turkish ability is still very limited, and there is no excuse for it except for laziness and indecisiveness.  I am very embarrassed to say that I have studied Turkish in an erratic manner since 2003 when I first came to this country as a wide-eyed tourist.  It's 2015 and I'm still at the beginner level.  

Also I never developed a good strategy to learn the language. I relied too much on one or two books.  But then again the resources to learn Turkish were rather limited in my town. The first book I used was published in the early 60s with the result that some of the vocabulary was out of date. I also did not avail myself of the Internet where there are some rather good resources.  

So here I am, but somehow me and the Turks understand each other even in situations where their English is nil and mine is almost nil.  I know a lot of words, but my aptitude at composing sentences is not good.  I do understand how Turkish works and the logic behind it.  I realize that I'm going to need more than the Teach Yourself Series which is relatively good. Much more is required.  Two weeks ago I bought a grammar and dialogue book from D&R bookstore inside the mall up the street from here.  Bookstores went into extinction at the mall in my town some years ago.  Once there was one on both floors and they were my chief reason to hang out at the mall. Amazon more than likely hasten their demise.  It's a good feeling to live very near to a bookstore here which does carry a few books in English and some Turkish language resources.

I also came to realize that I did not spend enough time studying daily.  When I got myself in my last study routine previous to coming back to Turkey I only applied myself to the language about 30 to 45 minutes a day.  I believed that more time would overload my brain and that I would forget everything.  Maybe just studying in snippets daily would help, but I was probably wrong.  Anyway, forgetting is a natural part of language learning. Words will eventually stick over time.  Some are easier to remember than others.  

Also mentally  little demons of doubt encroached telling me, "You just might be a little too old to learn a language.  You probably will be about 60 before you grasp Turkish."  I would try not to think such negative thoughts because I knew they were nonsense. I had read that learning a new language is good for the brain at any age. Also in the last two years starting at age 51 I began to have a few problems with my memory.  It seems to be leveling out now, and I appear to be returning to my old self with a very sharp ability to recall and retain things.  But hitting my 50s brought in an entire landfill of self doubt.  I always had self esteem issues, but it never affected my love and desire to learn.  I have such admiration for people who are bi- or multi-lingual. America discourages people from learning languages. Having the capability to speak another language is almost perceived by some as un-American, treasonous. This is catastrophic ignorance which is really going to hurt and is already hurting Americans in international forums.  I feel one of several signs of an educated and cultured person is the ability to speak more than one language.  

So I have begun to use several books and the internet, and I feel I will eventually be able to communicate well enough in Turkish.  I need persistance which is an important tactic in learning any language.  You will remain at one level if there is fear and a lack of persistance.  

Now my task is to try to stay on track in my studies.  One advantage I have is that I am not afraid to make mistakes.  

Snow in Eskişehir and My Experiences

Happy New Year!  Eskişehir municipality sent up about five minutes of fireworks at midnight New Years. I could see them out of my living room window. I was disappointed they didn't last longer.  By the time I had my camera ready, the color and explosions were over. 

In five days I will have been teaching and living in Eskişehir, Turkey for three months Over the last several months I've had mixed feelings: positive, negative, excitement, fear, anxiety, loneliness.  Sometimes the loneliness is excruciating.  It's not that the Turks are anti-social like so many in the US are, but there is a barrier between me and them, language. Here my race is not a barrier the way it is in the states.  Turks do not seem to expect the worse of me or prejudge me the way some people do back home because of the color of my skin. Some are just delighted to see a black person and would like to get to know me. 

It began to snow here four days ago. The snow started to come down on Tuesday morning. I woke up to it, the flakes quietly falling to the ground most of the day.  I was very very worried about having to go outside and falling. On Tuesdays I don't have a regular class in the evenings, but I do have a private student and conversation club which totals three hours of work.  Tuesday afternoon I discovered that my private student had sent an e-mail overnight saying that he wouldn't be coming to meet me at school.  His car had broke down again and the weather was just too bad he wrote.  I called my boss and told her this, expecting that no one would probably show up for conversation club.  She told me to stay at home, and if anyone came she would phone me.  About an hour before conversation club was scheduled, she phoned me and said one student had already arrived.  I told her OK I was coming, but I would be slow.  

It snows on average every five or six years where I live in northeast Georgia.  However, things have changed a bit in the last few years.  About two or three years ago it showed at Christmas and again the following January.  Even in my parents' lifetimes they'd never experienced snow twice in a short time span.  Here in Eskişehir it's cold and snow is very common.  In fact, some hope for snow because I was told if it doesn't s snow the winter will be painfully cold.  The school lost two American teachers last year because they said Eskişehir's cold weather was too much for them, I hear.  I also hear that Erzurum is the coldest place in Turkey, and I might have ended up there.  A language school in Erzurum wrote to me requesting an interview just one day after I was hired by this school.  I am glad I didn't go to Erzurum.  I might not have survived the low temperatures.  I am surviving here, and I am both surprised and proud of myself.

Tuesday evening when I was told I would have to come to school for my one hour conversation club I was very worried.  Several scenes flashed through my head.  What if I fell?  What I fell and broke my hip or hurt my knees?  I have knee problems, so I was afraid I might be too stiff to walk.  What if my YakTrax (snow grips that I attach to my boots) wouldn't stay on?  My boss' description of YakTrax are very clever.  When I showed them to her, she smiled and said "They are snow tires for the shoes."  All of my anxiety turned out for nought.  Yes, the snow had piled up outside reaching somewhere between my ankles and my knees I discovered when I went outside on my way to school.  One of my neighbors, a young guy was downstairs at the front door waiting for someone, I know because a company car pulled up.  He held the door for me and I went out moving very slow and unsure.  He said something to me which I imagined might have been "Be careful." I took my first steps in all that deep snow, the deepest I'd seen in person in my entire life.  The YakTrax worked perfectly in the narrow path of packed snow that people had made running through the apartment's courtyard out to the street.  Once I got out on the street and walked further along I felt more confident that I wouldn't topple over.  I arrived at the school without any broken bones, and it was the same on the return home.  I was a little afraid of some of the snow that was banked up, but as for slipping on any snow or ice I felt less and less uneasy.  I still took my time and was careful though. I also discovered that my knee problems had disappeared in the snowy air.

On New Years Eve I ventured out again to go to the nearby mall to purchase minutes and messaging for my cellphone (here it's called a mobile phone), buy a newly discovered olive oil soap I just love, and some warmer gloves.  I picked my way along my street in the packed snow and ice.  As I was gingerly nearing the curb leading off my street a young man came up beside me and took my arm. I was not afraid because I realize he saw that I was going so slow as if I was afraid I might fall.  He said something in Turkish and helped me up on to the curb.  I thanked him twice in Turkish and he went on his way.  Nearly always when I go out someone will help me even if I do not ask.  Turks like to help and I've heard this is a characteristic of many people who live in this part of the world whether in Asia, Africa, or parts of Eastern Europe.  I've said on here before that I do not follow femininist idealogy.  I understand that men and women are different and that we compliment each other.  It's not about superiority or inferiority.  So I didn't feel insulted or weak because that guy helped me, in fact I felt honored.  I don't speak for other women, but I happen to appreciate such gallantry.  

When I go into stores and shops, often some of the Turks brighten up with excitement. There are black people around here (Africans) but they are scattered around and I only see some on occasion.  At the pharmacy that I go to near my apartment, an older man works there, perhaps he's the owner.  He also speaks some English.  There are several women who work there too, an older woman who is perhaps his wife, a middle aged woman, and a young woman.  The older man and woman are always extra excited when I come in.  I use a mix of English and Turkish there, and the older man does the same.  Today when I picked my way to the pharmacy they all welcomed me and he told me to sit down and relax before I made my purchase.  Often I think about Walmart and its' greeters back home, most them stand at the store entrance not greeting any of the customers or only the ones they probably know.  Some of them will not greet you if you are black.  This has happened to me a few times.  The people coming behind me who were white, they would greet.  Both the white and black greeters have done this, but I expect this kind of behavior in the US. Here when I enter 98% of the stores I will be told "Hoşgeldiniz"  which is "Welcome" in Turkish and I always answer back with "Hoşbulduk" which is "Glad to be here" or "I'm honored."  There are a number stock phrases the Turks use to show courtesy, concern, or appreciation.  To me this is showing culture. 

Also today on my way to the pharmacy and the market, a middle aged man took my hand and helped me up onto the sidewalk as I was crossing the street through some water and ice.  I am gradually becoming more comfortable out now.  The first time I came to work in Turkey in 2004 a lot of Turks would stare right through me.  I mean almost not blink an eye and just stare.  Some would be in cars, look up and see me on the bus and start smiling and waving.  I have been sitting at the busstop and some on a passing bus would look down and start waving.  I was younger than and just so happy to be in a place where people were not intimidated by my skin color. I felt like a celebrity, but now that time has passed and I'm older I prefer just to be a bit anonymous in the crowd.  

The weather forecast says it will snow off and on over the next week.  Today it has not snowed and the sky seemed as if it would reveal the sun.  Yesterday it snowed a great deal during the afternoon.  The air here feels so pure and healthy the way it does after a snow. I saw a disturbing sight when I was walking along this afternoon on my way to the pharmacy and the market.  A stray cat was lying dead on the sidewalk; I suppose a victim of the cold. Temporary I felt very sad (I like cats), but I walked on by and got my mind back to making sure I kept my footing in the snow and ice.  Today at the pharmacy they marvelled at my YakTrax.  I am beginning to understand Turkish more even though I cannot always respond. The older woman was saying they are like snow tires.  I responded in Turkish telling her yes they are snow shoes.

It is both difficult and wonderful here.  There is such a thing as good stress. And this is it I sometimes believe.

Once Again In Turkey

Two months ago my life was totally different.  I existed in a different world.  Now I am learning to exist again in this new world where I have been several times before.  

I am back in Turkey again.  Close to three months ago I was offered a job by a language school in the city of Eskişehir  on the Anatolian (Asian) side of Turkey.  Eskişehir lies east of Istanbul sort of between that city and the capital city Ankara.  Until I came two months ago, I had never been to this city before.

In early October I took the four hour bus ride to here the next day after arriving in Istanbul, and I was the only foreigner and black person on the bus. I was strangely comfortable and very happy to just be away from America.  I absolutely find the country hideous now, and it's unlivable to me. My homesickness for there only concerns my family, especially my mother, and some minor conveniences such as having a car to put a lot of groceries in the trunk.  I also miss my books.  In Turkey I am too afraid to drive, so outside of having a vehicle to convey my groceries home, I also do not miss having a car with me.  

In August I started to apply to Turkish universities for English instructor positions. Here my masters degree will generally be adequate since I am a native speaker of English.  I knew it was very late in the year, but I send my CV to several schools anyway.  Then I learned from one of my Turkish friends on Twitter that because I'm not a Turkish citizen I would not be considered for a position at a government run Turkish institution of higher learning.  My best hope would be with private universities which Turkey has many.  By that time I had sent off my CV to several state schools, but then I took the detour and started to send them off to some of Turkey's private universities.  Spring would have been the best time to apply, but for the last few years I've been indecisive about going back to Turkey.  I feared international conflict, and Turkey has had its' share of unrest.  I finally made up my mind in the summer because my life was at a terrible stagnant point.  I had thought that maybe I would take the risk and return to teaching in the public schools back home, but the process of getting fully back in the system is nonsensical and highly unfair. The new curriculum implemented by the state and just the general quality of students in America rendered the situation highly undesirable for me.  I also wanted to go to a place where some tradition, history, and respect for teachers were still left.  Being a black person America was suffocating.  I had been told by others to get out, and I also wanted very much to flee and maybe find a sense of purpose somewhere.

I did hear from one of Turkey's better universities, Bilkent University in Ankara. I was told that my application would be kept on file and considered for the school year of 2015.  The woman who received my application materials also told me to feel free to contact her anytime.  This was in late August just before schools and universities would restart in Turkey.  I had worked for three other language schools and was very wary about dealing with anymore of them.  My negative experience had always been housing. After living in a hotel in the Beyoglu district of the Istanbul the first time I worked in the country and having to deal with a psychopathic female roommate in Izmit, I was not optimistic my try this time would be any better.  I loved working with Turkish students, and being a black person in Turkey has its' pluses at times, but Turkish language schools do not have a good reputation in some ESL forums, and my experience with the roof over my head had been negative, until this time.  

I have been in Eskişehir the city of one of Turkey's greatest poets Yunus Emre and Turkish philosopher and humorist Nasreddin Hoca for two months.  Oxford House College is my employer.  The owners are a husband and wife who are both university professors, two people I have a lot of respect for and like a lot. The manager is the niece of the owner (the husband). I like her very much as well. The school is in its' second year and trying to attract more students.  I've been encouraged to give ideas to help in attracting students.  The school is a floor in an upscale office building near the center of the city.  The books are good and the equipment (technology) for the classrooms is modern. I live in a furnished apartment just walking distance from the school. The business is family run, so the atmosphere is like a family.  One of my weekend students said last week when the class did an activity about the best and worst aspects of the city that Oxford House was where the friendliest people in the city are.  But this is Turkey and whereever I go I usually meet Turks who are friendly, courteous, curious, and helpful.  Most Turkish people cannot speak English or know very little, but even the ones who don't will try to communicate.  They want to know what nation you are from.  I never hear anyone call me black here, the Turkish word is "siyah."  I just hear "foreign" (yabancı).  

Getting acclimated to Turkey again has been difficult this time.  I am older now and going through what can be a difficult period for a woman. This year I really was struck hard by the affects of perimenopause.  At times my emotions are like a seesaw, but I try to fight off the doldrums, and I have support both here and back home.  

Before I came to Turkey this time around I heard from schools in Bursa, Erzurum, Konya, all in Turkey, and I also heard from schools in China.  I applied directly to schools, and did not come here under the auspices of any program. I also advertised myself once again on ESL Teachers Board and Dave's ESL Cafe as I've done in the past.  How I connected with my current employer through an advertisement was that posted on ESL Teachers Board saying that they were seeking a native English speaker to teach classes and for anyone who was interested to send an e-mail for information.  I did so in late July or early August, and didn't hear anything until about a month later.  I had almost forgotten that I had answered the advertisement e-mail by that time.  

In less than a month and a half of job of searching I had heard from a few language schools and one university.  There are educated people in the US who have searched for jobs for years and cannot find anything. In fact the news is that many people have given up completely on finding work in the US and that the government tries to hide how bad things really are by not including the ones who ceased looking by not mentioning their numbers in unemployment statistics.  Many people are also so frustrated by the climate on many jobs in the states that they don't want to work.  When my uncle died just before I came to Turkey I was talking to one of my cousins.  She hadn't worked in two years and is college educated. Before her father (my uncle) died of cancer, she had helped her mother to take care of him. My cousin is about 56 years old, and she is not old or in poor health from what I can see, but she told me she doesn't want to work.  She hinted that since she has no family and obligations that she doesn't feel an urge to work. I felt sad for her. She isn't a very old person. Surely there is something she would like to do besides watching TV everyday or being on a computer.  On American jobs there is often the feeling of isolation and competition.  Some people reject this climate, and don't want to work.  Yes, plenty of people are lazy, but some just don't care for the atmosphere on a lot of American jobs. On all the Turkish jobs where I've worked I never noticed this coldness and competition to the extent I've it seen in the US.  The isolation, backstabbing, and just general iciness will wear people down.  Most Americans never grow out of being in very tight cliques that are suspicious or hostile to new comers.  But that is the way it is back home, and why the overall society has drifted so far into abnormality.  Turkey like everywhere has shortcomings, but here humanity still lives unlike in the US where only a tiny minority of people are trying to retain what is sane and good.  

I will end here.  There is so much to tell, and I hope to become more active on this blog now that I have a lot to write about and am eager to share my thoughts and experiences.  Certainly I am in a place where there are little wonders daily, and those little wonders restore my faith in humanity. 

You Are in My Bloodstream

*Sorry again for the white highlights in this post.

How does it happen that someone can get inside another person's bloodstream?   Can it still happen in these times of selfishness and alienation?  Is it still possible to love someone intensely and they will love you back allowing you to climb over and jump into their bloodstream?  

Lately I have been thinking a lot of the beautiful words from the Bible book of Ruth in which Ruth tells her mother-in-law Naomi:

"Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."

These words came about after the death of Ruth's husband.  Naomi tells her to turn and go back to her own country and remarry over there.  Today some will say this is strange for a woman to tell another woman unless perhaps there are some homosexual tendencies, all in the ignorance of only being able to see life beyond how it is today especially in the West with its' empty relationships and lack of values.  In my parents' generation there were often life time friendships and marriages.  People were loyal. People did not allow their egos, their personal ideologies to rule and ruin everything.   I am sure it was certainly like that in Ruth's era.  

Today in the country where I live I am the majority, a single person alone.  It got this way because fewer and fewer people would not allow themselves to think and do more like Ruth. Ruth swallowed her pride and loved her mother-in-law I believe in a pure and respectful way, and because she did, followed Naomi to her homeland, and even worked to support herself and Naomi in Boaz's field, and because of this she found a good husband in Boaz. Naomi was in Ruth's bloodstream and it all led to a better future for her.  She did not have too much pride and reject her mother-in-law's advice when she told her to go where Boaz was sleeping, lie at his feet, and then plead her case as a poor widow.  Boaz had heard of Ruth's loyalty and had seen her working in his fields, so he married her after she came to him.  It didn't all end with Ruth's and Boaz's marriage and in their lifetime either. Centuries later Jesus/Issa was born from their lineage.  We have to find the good and lasting things somehow in this life.  We must find the right person's bloodstream to climb into, and if it is the right one he or she will also climb into our bloodstream.  It will not end since true love and loyalty never dies. 

I love Sufi poetry.  The Sufi poets talk almost always about love, a spiritual love that returns back up to Allah.  Allah is the Arabic name for God, and even Middle Eastern Christians call Him Allah, so I have started thinking more often of HIm as Allah.  There is nothing wrong with the name.  But as for love in Sufi poetry, I believe it can also apply to the human, men and women, a higher and joyful love that is rare to come by but is possible to come by. Rumi wrote, 'Dance in your blood.'   Abu Said Abil Khair wrote, 'Love came flowed like blood beneath the skin, through veins emptied me of myself filled me with the Beloved.'  This is divine love and because in this culture and society we rarely find any balance and have any divine love we cannot connect with people the right way.  People have sex first, but they never connect on a psychological and spiritual level.  We cannot find a lasting love with another person because of this.  Love today is attached too much to the material and the self.  No one wants to become transparent and selfless because they have been taught that to become so you are being weak, you are giving someone else power over you, it is far too dangerous to trust anyone. So we end up alone.  

 All this matter about love and being inside someone's bloodstream and they in return, came into my mind this morning after I fell asleep briefly following an asthma attack.  I have been an asthmatic for several years now.  The only time it faded away was when I lived in Turkey, which seemed to have a climate conducive to eradicating it.  But this summer it seems to be fading away even here.  My asthma is also tied to my emotions.  I can get upset or fearful and then an attack will come. Autumn has arrived in the air this week especially at night and in the mornings.  I slept with my window open over night to get some fresh air.  This morning I felt stressed and sad, and I had an attack, so I took my inhaler, prayed, and fell asleep. For some years I had stopped having dreams, but this year I have started to dream again. Often they are nondescript which I cannot remember, but I recalled my dream this morning.  I had lost something I loved. I will not say what.  I was panicking and suffocating in my dream.  It seemed so real, and then I woke up.  I felt so much happiness and relief that the dream was not true.  After I had fully awaken the idea of the bloodstream and love came to mind. 

I have allowed myself to love in this life and be really hurt.  I have witnessed people who do not know how to love and who take their spouses for granted. They are attached while I remained alone too prideful to admit I was lonely.  In the past I allowed someone to get into my bloodstream, but I was not in his, I believe.  Perhaps if I had been more patient and not left he might have matured and climbed into mine into my bloodstream.  He was not an American or a Westerner and was from a culture where many people are not afraid to be close and communicate.  I don't know though.  I blame myself for so much at this point in my life, but I also blame the society I was born into that was ready to place the cuffs on the day I was born.  

Now I do not know if it is a waste of time to hope that someone will ever see me as worthy enough to climb into my bloodstream.  I feel that I can make the climb, but will I be wasting my time and be devastated again? I tend to give so much, put my heart into things. 

I've gotten used to devastation and unfairness.  It does hurt to feel that my life has been cursed because I was born in the wrong place and time.  I just smile and somehow try to live the rest of what's left of my life.  I really hope the river will flow to the sea of love if there is any possibility left in this world.  You are in my bloodstream.

The Last of the Mohicans

This post is not about Uncas or Chingachgook or Hawkeye in James Fenimore Cooper's The Last of the Mohicans, it concerns my uncle's funeral last week and really when it all boils down to it, my father.  

Seems there has been a lot of funerals in my family for the last nine years.  The older generation is dying out, my parent's siblings and one of my grandmothers.  All my grandparents are gone now, may they rest in peace.  Of my uncles and aunts who are left, my father is the last of his brothers and he has only two sisters left; my  mother has one younger brother left and two sisters; mom is the eldest.  In the last nine years I attended some of the funerals and others I could not.  Some relatives died near here and others far away.  My father has lost three brothers and one sister in the last two years.  His eldest brother who was 90 died in January, and week before last another of his brothers died after battling prostate cancer for many years.  He had been scheduled to receive rigorous chemotherapy at Emory in Atlanta because nothing else could be done for him in the hospitals here.  One of my aunts called one evening week before last to tell my father that my uncle was passing way, "waiting on God"  to use her exact words.  He had stopped speaking or doing anything.  We missed her call until later that night at about 1 AM.  I happened to spot the light blinking on the phone for the voice mail and got her message. The next day my uncle died at his home.  

My father did not have a good relationship with his family. Jealousy and malicious gossip destroyed any sense of love.  Dad never tried hard enough to make peace with most of his family.  Being essentially a person who will never admit that he is wrong until it is far far too late, his pride did not allow him to go to some of them and say that he was sometimes wrong as well.  He so much wanted praise from his family for his successes and often did not receive it, even from his own father.  

My father and his family were extremely poor growing up like most black people in the South and all over America.  His mother had fourteen children to survive out of eighteen pregnancies.  My father had a twin that died right after birth.  Under such circumstances and with a father who was cold and could become violent when he drank, many people would have become discouraged and beaten down early in life, but my father did not.  He was highly ambitious.  Many of the black people in his generation were like that unlike today. Poverty and oppression could be smelled in every aspect of their lives, but they were determined, and some did go to college and became successful.  

Dad had to give up his dream of going to Morehouse College and studying to become a physician, but he become a business man instead, first starting an upholstery business in our home and having a job during the day.  He took a correspondence course training himself to be an upholsterer.  After putting up a sign in our front yard, he began to get customers.  He did all of his work in our car garage until he decided it was time to take the plunge, quit his job, and open his business in town.  He always expected his family to praise and be proud of him, but only two brothers and one sister ever really did to his liking.  They had all come out of such poverty that he expected them to be happy for him, but dad does not understand human nature very well and still does not.  He still believes that reality ought to be the way he wants it to be.  That is not real life.  In the past I also felt that if I was good, decent, and kind, happiness and what I wanted would come into my life.  The things I've wanted the most have not, and for many years I gave up and felt that if I could not have what I wanted, there was no need to try very hard.  I am happy that I have finally learned to pretty much accept life as it is.  But for my dad, being 75 and still not willing to accept reality, I never expect any change.  

These days my father has built a shrine on his desk to all of his dead immediate family members.  He has framed photos of them lined up along with the funeral programs of two of his brothers.  Every night at about the same time he  goes to his desk and sits there silently gazing at all of them.  Then he drops his head and stares at the floor a long time.  I really feel sorry for him because he must have a great deal of guilt that he did not get along with most of them.   My mother says that he can deal with them better now that they're mostly all gone.  I don't know about that.  I believe he is experiencing extreme regret that he will have to live with for the rest of his life.  He did not even bother to go to most of their funerals including my grandfather's.  He cannot deal with the idea of death and getting old.  Also at the time he had so much rage against most of them including his own dad.  

Last week mom and I went to my uncles' funeral.  We try to go to the ones we can because we know dad will not.  In the last two years before his eldest brother who lived in Detroit died, they often called each other.  Dad had plenty of respect for his oldest brother because he often encouraged my father and said nice things to him.  This uncle of mine used to come down here on the bus from Detroit and stay with us for several days when I was a little girl. My father respects anyone who is old because he believes that with age comes wisdom. Well, sometimes, and it should, but last week a certain famous old woman died here in America who was an indicator that wisdom does not not always arrive with age. Wisdom is a gift from God, so there are some young people who are old souls who are actually quite wise.  Remember King Solomon in the Bible who asked for and acquired his wisdom through prayer to God?  I've met some older people who aren't very wise because they won't allow themselves to be.  They cling to the past and dream of being young because American society honors youth and ignores or scorns the aged.  

So my uncle was buried last week.  I saw relatives I know and did not know.  One of my social studies teachers from middle school was there and I went up to him and asked if he remembered me.  He told me he remembered my face and that he often recalled his former students faces, but not their names.  It turns out that he and my uncle had been childhood friends and had maintained their friendship throughout their lives. He is a little older than my uncle who was 80.  I think it is very difficult for today's people to hold on to friendships for so long.  Mobility and selfishness often get in the way.  The old people got so much right that we now get so wrong. 

One of dad's old childhood friends called this week.  He hadn't heard about my uncle's death until after the funeral, so he called to express his condolences and to chat a bit.  My father told him that he was "The Last of the Mohicans" because all of his brothers are now deceased.  He tried to attach a little laugh to it, but I am sure he is hurting.  I doubt he will ever admit to his hurt, but when I see him go and sit every night before the shrine he has made of his family I know it must be a terrible feeling to never have the chance again to reconcile with some of those he was biologically the closest to.  

Iftar and Hugs

*Please excuse the white highlighting in this post.  I can't remove it.  I think there is a possible glitch in Blogger today. 

Iftar means to break fast during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.  The iftar meal comes in the evening after an entire day of fasting. I am a Christian who gets invited to iftars, and it makes me feel special and a part of something bigger than myself, a community.  I'm a Christian who feels much closer to Muslims than I do to most American Christians.  I have gone to a number of iftars both here at home and in Turkey.  Last year I went to two; one was at a friends' home and the other at the city's mosque.  This year because so many of the Turkish people I know are gone and others I never developed a friendship with because they did not move regularly in the circle I was in, I didn't expect to be invited anywhere. My Turkish friend Ebru never gives up on me.  

Even though we have disagreements, Ebru will always call when I least expect it.  She has one more year here to work on her doctorate in math education and then she will go back to Turkey. In the past she has encouraged me to live in Turkey in what she says is her favorite town, Balıkesir.  She lives in Istanbul, but for some reason she says she just adores Balıkesir and dreams of living there. It so happens that one of her new roommates is from that city.  The other is from Aydın.

So yesterday the telephone rang not long after me and mom had come home from shopping. The shopping never ends it seems. The chief activity of people in this place is shopping.  I believe some of the shabbily dressed couples I see at Walmart even go out on dates down there. Makes sense because it would mesh very well with America's love for tackiness and buying things.  Well, the phone rang and automatically I thought it was the usual annoying recordings or an opinion survey.  The caller ID said private number, so I refused to answer. About an hour later the phone rang and it was private number again.  I thought what the devil and decided to pick up the phone and put this possible pesky telemarketer in his or her place for calling twice in one day.  When I answered it was Ebru, and she gave me an impromptu invitation to come over to break the fast with her and her two roommates.  She said she knew the invitation was at the last minute but she hoped I would agree to come.  I immediately said yes.  I was feeling very dejected, thrown away, and lonely.  My only concern was that I might have a bit of a hard time finding her new apartment.  She tried to give me directions while I was on Google Maps.  Once I could make sense of things, I felt slightly confident that I could locate her home fairly easily because when I left it would still be daylight.  

I found Ebru's house after making one mistake, driving on pass the first road that ultimately leads to the complex where her townhouse is located.  Afraid that I might miss the turn into the complex, she came walking out to the road to meet me.  

I had an enjoyable evening just us four ladies.  I was the eldest, and Ebru's roommates are young. They are presently taking English courses to improve their language skills.  They can speak some English and told me that they could understand me well.  Their need is to become more confident in speaking.  One of them, Hacer (hope I spelled it right)  made to hug and kiss me, but then withdrew shyly, apologetically saying she was so used to hugging and kissing someone because of her culture.  I told her it was okay, and that I always do the Turkish greeting since I've been around Turks for years.  I went up to her and we embraced. I told mom about this today, and she said that black people once hugged each other on greeting, but the more we integrated into white culture, we lost our warmth.  

Ebru's roommates are not letting go of their Turkish accouterments.  They've brought various utensils from Turkey: large tulip shaped tea glasses, the tiny cups for Turkish coffee, and the small pot to make the coffee in called a cezve.  Since iftar started at 8:45 last night we finished our meal and dessert late.  I was offered Turkish coffee, but I regretfully refused because I was afraid the caffeine might keep me awake.  I love Turkish coffee.  

Before I left their home last night I asked if Hacer's name is the same as the name of the prophet Ibrahim's wife. In the Bible Ibrahim is God's friend Abraham.  I was told yes, it is the same.  Then I told them the English name Hagar.  I always love it when there's a piece of history to be found in unexpected places.  Also at their door hung a small wall hanging with quotes from the poet Rumi or as the Turks call him, Mevlana.  The hanging had a picture of the poet and a whirling dervish weaved into it.  The blue and white amulet for the evil eye, the nazar boncuğu,  was attached hanging below.  I was enchanted because I love Rumi's poetry.  I could recognize some words in Turkish, but I could not comprehend a lot of them. Without being asked, Ebru translated them all into English.  

11 PM came too fast for me.  I wanted to stay longer, but I decided to leave since I was concerned I might lose my way back home due to the fact that my friend's apartment complex is far out in the woods.  She says they often see deer and armadillos out there.  Yesterday morning two deer even appeared in my neighborhood.  Mom saw them in the field across the road.  They made as if they would come on this side, but when one of our neighbors drove out they fled.  

Iftar and hugs lifted my spirits somewhat last night.  I hugged Ebru and both of her two roommates in the Turkish manner before I walked out the door last night.  Sometimes it's the little things that provide hope even for someone like me who is often afraid to hope too much.  

Spreading Beauty

I woke up early and decided to post to my blog. 

I don't blog regularly for several reasons, the chief of which is a professional writer named Karen Tintori told me a few years ago that if I wanted to be a serious writer to stay away from the blogs.  I agree.  That are some really good bloggers who should be channeling their efforts into writing books, etc. instead of putting big portions of their time into the "fast food" world of blogging. Over the years I've followed some of these bloggers who are extraordinarily good writers and some have either completely disappeared from the blogosphere or post very sparsely during the year.  

Social media has also killed the blog. It makes expression even more junk food like.  I follow some people on Twitter who also should be putting their time and effort into serious writing and not Tweeting several times a day.  What they have to say is too big, too eloquent, too serious for only social media.  

2013 I was very slack with my writing.  I only sent out a few poems hoping they'd be published in some poetry magazines.  I got rejected, but one literary journals' editor (African American Review) encouraged me to keep trying.  

School will be closing next Friday for summer vacation.  I hope this summer I will be able to send out more work, polish all of my poetry, and basically try to find my own particular voice as a writer and poet.  This week I just finished writing a short story with black characters which evolved into a story more suited to a young adult audience.  I've also started a historical short story that is set in the final years of Ottoman Turkey.  The idea for it came to me from something I read in a book by Alev Croutier. I've been writing this story invisibly, developing a lot of it in my mind like I did the short story I finished on Wednesday.  Some of it has been put down on paper, but since I've been working, I've done mainly mental writing thus far. I'm going to start rewriting and editing my other short story soon.  I'm anxious to get deep into my historical tale, however.  I can visualize the characters in my mind, and I'm really longing to develop them.  

Really what this post is about is not what is happening in my ordinary and sometimes boring life, but it is about a picture I saw posted on Twitter this week.  I'd seen the photo before when my Facebook account was open.  Someone Tweeted it, and said she had it saved to her phone.  I don't want to get in trouble for copyright infringement by posting the photo directly here so here's a link to it: click here.   

The first time I saw this photo of this African woman playing her cello alone the words and phrases that came to mind were "imprisoned but not an imprisoned mind," "spreading beauty in her own little corner," "happiness in the dust"  "ordinary & extraordinary," "spreading paradise among indifference", "alone but happy."  The photo touched me in so many ways.  

I played the violin for two years when I was in the 4th and 5th grades.  Dad had rented a violin for me. The music shop told him he could buy it eventually for me if he so decided.  I remember how I used to practice alone in my room in the terrible scratchy manner that kids do when they are trying to learn how to play a stringed instrument. I was in the school's orchestra long enough to play in one concert, but just before entering middle school I stopped.  My father offered to buy the violin if I kept practicing, but I made a very bad mistake out of fear.  I loved playing the violin. Everything about my instrument I loved from the bow to the case onward.  I had already been accused by my black classmates of speaking like a white person.  I was one of only a handful of black students in my school who were doing advanced level studies.   I also lived in the suburbs. My  neighborhood was the most affluent black area in town, with a populace of teachers, business people, and even a neighbor who was involved in city government.  So I had a lot going against me in my own group; I was an outsider trying to fit in back then.  Fearful that I would be picked on even more I told dad I didn't want to continue studying music and learning how to play.  I told mom I was scared that I would be picked on and called white or an "Uncle Tom."  It was intra-racial tyranny with my people when I was growing up and it still is so today.  Black culture like white American culture is almost completely anti-intellectual.  It's an entertainment and sports culture, but its' focus is on very low grade entertainment.  Things like violin playing is for white folks, and now even with a lot of white people anyone who is into higher culture is seen as a nerd or weird. 

 I feel sad sometimes after all these years that I wasn't brave enough at the time to not cave into to pressure.  I still regret my weakness and fear. I wish I'd had the rebellious spirit I do today.  Where might I be now with my violin?  I might be playing in a symphony orchestra somewhere in the world like the lady in the photo.  

Josephine Nsimba Mpongo in the photo who lives in the capital city of the Congo sales eggs during the day, but she doesn't limit herself to just a second-rate  life. She brings beauty to herself and others.  The culture we live in encourages everyone to reach for the lowest common denominator.  It wants everyone to be run of the mill, and most people fall for it.  They killed the humanities and arts and want everybody to just focus on money and technology.  I see so many people including children who are zombie like, just a wheel in the machine.  They have no imagination.  They are too afraid to reach beyond the few mediocre people in their lives or their imaginary celebrity friends that they will defend and protect faster than they would any family member. 

This is what we live in, but the woman in the photo has gone against the grain sitting perhaps in her yard fenced in, playing her cello, but I bet she is happy.  She is creating beauty in the dust, in the grime.  I really really love and honor people like that who dare to be different despite the dirt and insanity around them.  It's tough if you do, but it is far more rewarding than remaining trapped in the herd in the midst of ugliness. 

Thoughts About A Birthday

For me, in the last few years birthdays bring about thoughts of my mortality.  However, I am not afraid of death.  I do not wish to be younger when I look at these times, this era of human civilization which is becoming more uncivilized by the month.  I do not relish going back to when I was young.  Being black, that was no picnic.  The black child faces a loss of innocence very soon in America because of an early awareness that you are black and second rate.  This is imposed on the consciousness quickly and quietly.  We become damaged goods very early. 

Now humanity is warring with itself it appears almost everywhere, and being under an American system, a system and way of thinking that is not balanced and is hostile to the nature of what it means to be human, makes it even worse.  America should not ever be ruling this world. It is too vicious to the human spirit to be permitted to get its' influence everywhere.  It is too racist, degenerate, anti-intellectual, and hostile to be allowed to take over and get a grip on the souls of humanity.  Buying things to acquire a sense of self worth, being in debt all the time to get those things, bowing down to the dollar as god without having a real culture kills the spirit over time. 

I see killed spirits everyday on my job or when I go out shopping and see the disheveled masses.  My parents always taught me to be careful of my appearance even if I were just going out for something as ordinary as visiting a friend or going with them to the grocery store.  Their rules stuck with me. 

When I leave my home it is rare that I see a  person who cares how he or she looks.  People's spirits have been broken in this country.  Most aren't even aware of it.  Money, technology, and buying stuff we desire to have a sense of status does not make up for what a spiritual being needs.  We are not just material beings, but there is a more profound spiritual essence in us.  American life has deprogramed who we really are.  It is trying to do this with all humanity.  It is trying to root up the spiritual in humanity everywhere.   It started on black people 40 years ago, and all the world can now see what we have become.  

Now it is said that over 40% of Americans are on anti-depressants and the use covers almost all age groups including children from ages 0 to 3.   I worked in a pharmacy when I was  in graduate school back in the late 80s and even back then many people were coming in to have prescriptions filled for anti-depressants and anti-psychotics.  You have to be a strong one because American life can drive you crazy.

I turned 52 yesterday.  I feel my age and more sometimes.  I don't have the best health, but I don't think I have any life threatening illnesses.  I don't have any wrinkles.  My hands look like a young person's.  At heart I feel young and have retained a degree of innocence. 

I get e-mail updates when a young Iraqi woman named Sarah writes posts.  She mentioned that she mostly attracts people who are older than she is.  I'm the opposite.  I attract mainly those who are younger.  I try to squirm out of  being around them, but I often end up with people younger than myself and who are not Americans.  I can't seem to eradicate these people out of my life.  

At this point in my life I have heard enough and seen enough, so being around people does not bring me self validation.  I often like to be alone.  When I was younger I felt something was lacking in me because I was alone.  I got depressed about it.  I felt inadequate.  Now I have a great sense of my self-worth.  I feel that I am "royalty," so I do not hesitate if the behavior around me is bad to look down my nose at people or treat them as if they are invisible.  Even though I might be misjudged because of my skin color or gender, I do not judge anyone for these things.  I look at behavior and outlook.   I try to figure out any hidden agendas what might be a detriment to me or my people. No one can look down on me in the end, and for those who attempt to I let them know in my own subtle way that they have no right and that they have already failed.  

When I went into my fourth decade on this earth, I cried. Now I do not cry about getting older.  I don't blame myself anymore for the things American society stole from me.  I was robbed like most black women.  I was left with few options from my own group and certainly from white people.  I don't get all patriotic about America because I understand that this will never be fully my homeland.   I feel nothing when I think of America.  I am numb to it. It is about as important to me as a piece of unclean litter blown by the wind down the street.  The only affect it has is I hate what it does to people, what it transforms them into.  I will always be the child of those who were kidnapped and  whose identity erased.  I guess some will ask why do you feel this way? You aren't impoverished like a lot of black people.  You're middle class, comfortable.  It's true, but this is not a place I would have wanted to have raised children.  I would not want to see them damaged by their self-hating own group and the larger society.  Meeting the right kind of man was nearly impossible here.  Yes, I have had several marriage proposals, even a couple in the last year (not from Americans), but I turned them all down because I doubted their motives.  For other women if settling is fine, that is their problem.  It is not for me.  I have a right to the best or I'd rather be alone. 

I still hold on to what I was told one day in another country like a precious jewel.  It remains in my heart hidden.  I wear it still close to my heart like a pendant.  It may very well be true what some people told me in Botswana years ago.  I was told I look like some of the members of a tribe in Ghana who are royalty.  Some people can see more than the surface in others. They can connect beyond a certain point in time.   I can even do this sometimes. There are the seers who few, and then there are the rest who are blind or very myopic.  What those people of Botswana told me helped me to hold my head up high.  For a time after their words I was tortured by loneliness and tragedy, now I have came back to what I was meant to be. 

Yesterday I went out alone to celebrate my birthday.  I went to a Chinese buffet.  I am not afraid or ashamed to eat alone.  I walked into that restaurant with dignity, better dressed than all the Americans black and white and the Mexicans. Like most everywhere the people looked disheveled, run down.  The Chinese waitresses and one waiter were dressed better than some of the customers.  I got the waiter this time.  He was a tall Chinese man probably in his early thirties.  I'm 5'7 and a half and he was taller than me.  I think it might be the Japanese who are short.  I've only met one Japanese person.  Some of  the Chinese I've met are just as tall or taller than I am. 

Some girls' and women's self-worth all depends on whether or not they get male attention.  It does not for me.  It's a nice dessert, but I don't always need dessert.  You kind of learn to live with it in America. 

I don't try to make men into something more or less than they are.  I don't get into the debate about which gender is so bad or which is so good.  I've seen ugliness from them both, just like I've known some men and women with noble and pure spirits, who tried to be good in this world which drives people who are weak to evil.

My Chinese waiter was very kind, and I can see when a man is attracted.  He wasn't too bad looking either.  He looked like someone who should be a professor in a lecture hall instead of waiting tables in a restaurant.   In this world some of us become displaced.... 

I don't eat a whole lot when I eat.  I know my limits and refuse to stuff myself.  Yesterday was unusual.  I really love Chinese food.  I had a big appetite  for a change and ate two plates of fried rice, those wonderful green beans, spicy beef, chicken, fried potatoes with parley, a tomato, cucumber, parley and cilantro shrimp salad, two half cups of soup so spicy it made my nose run, topped off by a big spoonful of banana pudding, two pieces of cantaloupe, and a piece of honeydew melon. I took my fortune cookie and left.

When I got home I had only been there about 15 minutes when the phone rang.  I thought it might be my brother calling from his job, but instead when I looked at the caller ID I saw it was one of my Turkish ex-friends or friends.  They still consider me their friend even though I told them to get lost in November.  I'd said I had nothing in common with "you people."  2013 was not been a banner year for me.  I felt I needed a break from all except a minimal amount of people.  I was mentally and spiritually exhausted.  I needed renewal. 

I had already got an e-mail the other week from the Turkish Student Association inviting me to an afternoon lecture at the university. It was on one of those goody goody topics about world peace and people coming together. We get these all the time, but the world becomes more violent and unstable.  The professor leading the lecture shouldn't be in my town but up in DC preaching to the warmongers and bloodsuckers the need for peace and cooperation.   I unsubscribed to the e-mail once again and gave my harsh but truthful reason why.  I used to say all the time that Turks will not take no for answer, and from my experience of being around many of them for the last 10 years many don't. 

So  the call was from the Turkish friend I had told I wasn't having nothing else to do with any of them.  I was sure she would get the word out to the rest.  After not seeing any of them or saying anything for four months, I was being invited for a little get together for my birthday.  I had been praying for the last weeks that I wouldn't run into any of these people while I was out shopping.  I got nervous last week when I was out shopping for groceries. I thought I saw one of the Turkish men I know.  But it turned out to be just a regular white guy. 

When I talked to Ebru I gave no indication that I had once been angry.  I was surprised by the call.  I was also surprised how quickly I acquiesced to her invitation to come over for some Turkish tea and snacks.  She even said she would cook dinner if I liked, but I said I had already stuffed myself at China Star, so my stomach was not going to hold much else for the remainder of the day. 

For my 50th birthday the Turks gave me a surprise birthday party.  I was given everything they felt I liked including a Turkish tea pot.  I even was given a book of poetry and artwork by the poet Rumi who they refer to as Mevlana.  I know how to make Turkish tea not the coffee.  I really love the latter. 

I've long wondered why this people want me around and cling to me. They claim that they all love me.  Is love still possible in this world, I sometimes wonder?  I used to really believe in it.  How sad that I have become a skeptic. 

Yesterday on my 52nd birthday I only met with two Turkish female friends. Sezin was ill with a stomach bug, but she tried to spend some time with us.  Sometimes she'd go back to her room and sick.  Being with them brought back memories of Selcuk and Nur who lived in the same apartment complex before they moved to Buffalo, New York with their young son Burak last summer.  I was the last of their friends that they saw before they left.  They invited me over for dinner.  Selcuk had just finished defending his dissertation.  They begged me to come and visit them in Buffalo and say that we would all go over to Canada that is just next door.  We would also see Niagara Falls.  Selcuk is now an assistant professor and Nur has a position at a college as well.   I thought of them last night and rather missed them.  Their ghosts were there, and I asked about them.  I had been very angry with Ebru and all of the Turks but tea, cigara borek which is a Turkish pastry, and dessert had a way of softening me up.  She said that in Turkish culture it is difficult to stay mad at good friends.  If there is a split eventually the hope is to embrace again. 

I tried to explain what had happened to cause my loss of trust.  It was all filled with complexities because I am filled with complexities.  In the end I said that in the decade that all these Turks and other Muslims have come into my life and passed through, I have felt more like I a full human being than I ever had except when my maternal grandparents were alive and when I was in Botswana and was accepted by the Africans.  Americans black or white have never fully acknowledged my existence on the scale that these people have.  I wasn't seeking acknowledgement or attention, it came to me.  She told me the reason is because in many ways I am not the average American.  I never was because my grandparents never lost touch with what it means to be human.  They were still African in their ways because somehow they never lost touch with that what it is to be African and an people of the East. They left me with the best part of them like they left the best part of themselves with my mother. 

Is it good to forgive? Yes.  I am a Christian, and Jesus taught forgiveness.  I see how lack of forgiveness and jealously destroyed my father's family.   Is it good to trust?  Yes, but the world we live in is more dangerous and evil that it has been in world history.  But if we are to fully be alive, we have to try to trust somebody. 

Just before I was about to get up to leave my friends last night I found the fortune cookie in my purse...

The World Is Still a Madhouse and I'm Back

I didn't intend for this post to be so long, but it ended up that way.  I had a lot to say.  I feel better telling it.

The last time I posted to my blog the world was the same as now.  I think it gets worse by the month.  I believe  even madness was slower paced once.  I have no way of proving it though. I think madness used to come in new forms by the century or half century or decade or yearly or biannually, but today different forms of human neurosis appear every month if not every week.  I believe many people are no longer able or willing to stop and take a look at themselves. Many aren't coping.  They won't allow themselves to ask 'Am I a little bit out of control; why I am doing what I'm doing; does it make any sense?' 

I stop sometimes, be quiet, and just think.  I have a thick conscience so maybe it is a little easier for me to ask myself are the things I'm doing in my life of any intrinsic value?  Have I been knowingly cruel to anyone?  Who is toxic in my life and should I start avoiding them?  Am I really learning anything of benefit from these people or am I just hanging out with them so as not to be lonely?  Are the people on Facebook really my friends or since I never talk to maybe two out of over 300 people am I deluding myself and wasting time?  Should I have kept up blogging and wrote for myself instead of posting something for an audience on social media?  Is it healthy to hold on to people that make me unhappy and for whom I have little trust or respect?  

I decided to come back to blogging because I enjoyed it far more when I wrote a post then posting on social media whether Facebook or Twitter.  It felt more creative, and it was fun to express my thoughts in a long way instead of in one sentence, abbreviations, or just chunks of words. I know blogging is out of style, but I'm writing for myself.  I will post what I blog on Twitter, and people can accept my offering or not.  

I deleted, not deactivated my Facebook page on Sunday night.  It will be all gone in fourteen days.  The chains are gone, and I have such a sense of relief.  The final act of a relative made it clear to me that I was making the right decision to jettison Facebook out of my life for good.  It was a cousin I only saw once when I was girl.  I barely remember when we met.  He had come down here from New York with one of my uncles.  I think he might have been an older teenager or in his early 20s and I was much younger, still a girl, perhaps a pre-teen.  In all those years since, we had not communicated.  In fact, I had forgotten about him.  I have many cousins on my father's side of the family that I have never met.  Many of my father's people left the South years ago like many black people did to escape Jim Crow laws seeking what they believed would be a better life in the North. Some succeeded, but most did not. 

Black people tend to be blind followers.  When a few gather the courage to do something different, many others will follow if they relate to the ones who decide to make a move.  We don't give much thought or do much research to really find out whether a situation or location is suited to us on an individual level.  We go by hearsay. We do everything collectively.  Our fear to really leave the plantation has lead us to a culture of failure because many of us are anti-intellectual and easily led astray by various con artists whether they are preachers, celebrities, sport figures, one particular political party or "my president." 

Almost a month ago one of my cousins who lives here in town told me on Facebook to introduce myself to one of our cousins after I saw an old photo of my dad on the cousin's page where he had been tagged. Most of dad's people killed themselves with alcohol.  Big city life corrupted them beyond any redemption, so they self destructed.  Also before they left the South my grandparent's home was one of those early dysfunctional residences that are the norm now.  The only difference was there were more kids in the house and a father; my grandmother had a total of eighteen pregnancies, fourteen children survived.  Her husband, my grandfather, threw away his money on alcohol, gambling, and women. This is the kind home my father grew up in.  

By contrast my mother grew up in a stable home far out in the country.  Her parents were religious and kind having both black and white friends.  Both family and friends could depend on them.  My maternal grandfather had drank when he was young, but unlike my paternal grandmother who found excuses to remain with an abusive husband, my mother's mom gave my grandfather an ultimatum.  She hated alcohol even though my grandfather was never abusive or violent.  He'd go out and drink, come home and collapse.  But grandma didn't want her kids seeing that, so she threaten to take my mother and her older brother who were both small kids and leave.  Grandma was never a doormat.  Granddad never touched alcohol again.  He was good at going cold turkey like that and never returning to the garbage dump.  I remember when he stopped smoking.  I was a teenager, and he had heard from some preacher that smoking was a sin because our bodies are temples and putting everything in our bodies is not good.  Granddaddy who rolled his own cigarettes with Prince Albert tobacco and loved to chew tobacco announced he was stopping them both, and he did.  He never smoked a rolled cigarette or chewed tobacco again.  He encouraged grandma to stop dipping stuff, but it took her awhile to kick her habit.  

My father's family was stubborn, rebellious, and self destructive like way too many black people.  They have made little important progress as human beings.  They were highly materialistic and liked the "good things in life" such as big cars and nice houses, but they lacked moral strength and self control.  They tended to sink into madness, disease and self destruction.

So I introduced myself to one of my cousins who lost her mom to cancer about two years ago. Immediately I could sense our personalities were not going to mix well.  I looked at her Facebook page and comments and she seemed bitter, arrogant, and angry.  She'd post these almost whiny complains on her page.  I learned that one of her sons had been murdered at age 25 and left five children behind. I felt sorry for her.  I want to help people, but I have learned only the person can help themselves, however, they must have the will-power to renew their minds.  Most don't.  Most will drive themselves down to hell.  I feel sorry for people obsessed with changing the world or some individual.  They will 99% of the time fail. 

Well, this cousin told me she would tell another cousin about me.  This other cousin who lost her father back in December had started a family reunion page on Facebook.  Suddenly I was getting several friends requests from relatives daily.  I was delighted and wanted to connect.  I was added to the group and I started to post old family photos of our uncles, aunts, grandmother, grandfather, some of their fathers and mothers.  Many  seemed to like them, but the first cousin I talked to who'd lost her son said off hand she'd seen most of them and a grandson of my uncle that the page was dedicated to give almost one of those "meh" comments. He said he'd seen them before.  I doubted all the other cousins had, but often people only think about themselves and what they've done or seen, not anyone else.  I would post photos and explain who the people were in detail along with little  stories about the photo based on what dad or mom had told me.  My uncle's grandson had been in prison and he seemed to glorify that like some African-American males do.  He appeared to get in a sort of race with me posting photos after saying he'd seen most of mine.  I had said I would only post a few at  a time because I didn't want it to seem I was spamming her page, but my cousin who started the page said to post as often as I liked.  I noticed that when I stopped posting photos he abruptly stopped.  I just felt he didn't like me.  

Black people do not want to admit this, but many black men do not like women who are highly educated.  Street smarts are fine but book smarts are not.   It is very common for some lower class or "ghetto" blacks to feel intimidated by educated or middle class blacks.  No matter how friendly we are they are suspicious and see us as more of an enemy in some cases than whites. It's OK for whites to have certain things or to have it all, but we're not supposed to.  

There is also a jealousy factor there as well.  Many black people do not want to see others succeed.  I don't have any money.  I just have an education, and I live comfortably with my parents.  I have lived alone several times, but I prefer the non-Western way of not living alone if I can help it.  I think family is very important.  The world is a hostile place for women, and if you can get along with and live with family, it makes more sense than living alone and being a prey for all kinds of predators.  This ex-con cousin might even have more money than me.  But it was something about his attitude and the first cousin that as time went on I felt uneasy on that page.  Also I don't like arrogant people.  I see arrogance as a tool of someone who is really insecure but is putting on a show for everyone else.  These two cousins were arrogant, bragging on themselves.  I was amazed at seeing how some of the attitudes that have made it difficult for the older generation in my father's family to get along showing up in the younger generation.  My father has this similar swagger and posturing also, but at 74 he has mellowed a lot.  He is very insecure still like my cousins, but unlike them he has been heavily influenced by white culture, so he does not have the "hood" mentality I see in them.  Still the arrogance and need for affirmation by other people are in most of the people that I see on his side of the family.  When people are raised in homes where there is so much chaos or neglect they become this way.  The black class clown in school is often at heart insecure and feels uncared for at home, so he or she seeks attention at school, even if it's negative attention.  

I had become fed up with Facebook in the last year.  More and more I questioned why was I on there.  I tried to justify it by saying I had people on my list with a little influence such as "friends" who were professional and independent journalists. A few worked for PressTV and others appeared as political commentators on both PressTV and Russia Today.  I had a number of people on my friends list whom I'd attended school with.  I've known some of them since elementary school.  They are black and white, but I have almost nothing in common with them outside of the fact that we grew up in the same town.  All are older now of course, but those who were the poseurs and noise makers of middle and high school are still the same except for the usual adult accessories: a home, spouses, children, grandchildren, a job.  Most are still attached to football the way they were in high school.  Some can't let go of their favorite local bands and singers from college.  I didn't see a bit of emotional or intellectual growth.  Sure I have some favorite singers from my child- and young adulthood, but I have added many of other types of singers (most are international) and genres since then.  I see nothing except an urge to cling to the past in many of my former classmates.  I don't have all of the adult things because I was not willing to settle for less in most cases like many people do, but I have traveled, taught various age groups in three different countries, interacted with varied ethnicities and races of people, people which my classmates have probably never ever encountered; I have grown in insight and intellect, and I want to continue to grow in all that as well as morally, spiritually, and philosophically.  Many of them seem to be at a standstill.  My pastor paid me a wonderful compliment the other week when she said I was a philosopher.  I never expected that.  I have a lot more work to do on myself, everyone does, but I have changed plenty even in the last decade.  Even Muhammed Ali said sometime maybe in his rambunctious days, "A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life."

So it was doomed with my cousins really from the beginning.  Sadly, we had little or nothing in common, and two of them just did not accept me.  I believe they wanted to, but we are from different worlds that will never mingle.  They probably see me as too "white" for their tastes.  They can't open themselves to my language.  I can't quite open myself to theirs.  I have tried to relate to all kinds of people in the past.  I understand now that it is not always possible.  Sometimes relating to your own can be the hardest task.  

It so turned out that I was so tired because of several bad experiences I'd had on Facebook in the last year that I decided to close my account for good.  It had been on my mind weeks before all of these cousins had sent invitations to be friends.  No matter where your privacy settings are you are still listed somewhere on there as "maybe you know so and so," and I've seen a drop down list of people I "might know" under the friend invite icon.  I had to deal with three monsters last year that were on my friends' list.  I had long stopped commenting on pages especially if the topic was controversial, but I did make a statement the other week about a cartoon concerning Africa and whether Christianity and homosexuality are indigenous to the continent.  I am not for the persecution of gays, but I am against this Western obsession with gay and exporting it.  It has nothing to do with human rights  and freedom just like humanitarian intervention did not.  At the heart of it is population control.  I didn't touch on the part about gays, but I argued that Christianity has roots in Africa.  Christ lived there as a child in Egypt.  European monasticism was an offshoot of the Desert Fathers and Mothers of Egypt.  Ethiopia was one of the first nations to make Christianity its' official religion.  I also mentioned St. Augustine who lived in what's now Algeria and the martyrs Perpetua and Felicitas in what's now Tunisia.  But then some black guy who looked at least middle aged started arguing that Christianity is a European religion brought to Africa by slave masters.  Even though he was putting out some Afrocentric arguments that were quite strange, his hatred of Christianity  and whites was blinding him to over 1000 years of Christian history that was long before the first Europeans came to Africa to trade and kidnap human cargo.  Really he was advocating without even knowing it the white Western view that history began five centuries ago and nothing previous was of any value since we weren't involved.  He trolled away with me and some Africans who agreed with me.  I was put off by him and didn't want to waste my time.  I invited him to Google all that I had written, but he only wanted to make ridiculous statements that even I had never seen written anywhere else.  I was even more disgusted when one of the Ethiopians who was a young woman born America and who had agreed with me sent a friend invitation.  I accepted it.  She stayed on my page for most of the day, but then unfriended me and changed her page so only people could message her.  I had a number of African Facebook friends in Africa, and no one had ever done anything this stupid and psychotic before. 

Facebook has become about 70% insanity and 30% sanity along with the government spying on people.  I really came to see it as a highly unappealing outlet.  I liked a lot of good pages on there pertaining to my interests in current events, art, history, literature, poetry, architecture, and cultures.  I will miss those pages, but I will not miss the banality of Turks constantly taking photos of themselves sitting at a table with food before them, people lying about someone's baby they don't really think is adorable, people seeking attention with their doomed relationships, women bragging they have the most wonderful husband in the world or the greatest kids; do they ever tell them that or is it all for grandstanding on Facebook?  I had a complete lunatic and nuisance on there who expected me to chat with him everyday for hours.  I blocked him.  I don't like life in the virtual, and he needed to get a life.  I was sick of it all, and my cousins weren't putting anything out there to make me eager to keep my account open.  I can  see black women with blonde wigs  and tattoos any time especially if I turn on the television.  My cousins have not broken the cycle of ignorance and self destruction that started as far back as my grandfather who drank and my grandmother who put up with his abuse until it killed her at a young age.  

So when I announced I was going to close my Facebook page the cousin I mentioned at the first who had only seen me once years ago and knew nothing of my life or who I really am, unfriended me.  I messaged him and politely asked why, but then I told him it didn't matter since I was ridding myself of my account anyway.  I told him to take care and God bless.  I know he got the message because when anyone sees your message on Facebook, a little check mark appears below the message.  I suppose he was too cowardly to say anything.  I have asked black guys why in the past on Facebook when they displayed certain bad and off the wall behavior and most say nothing.  For all the bluster of some of them, they are the worst cowards.      

I deleted my Facebook page late last night.  I had fallen asleep early, and after I woke up I wanted to wipe away the nagging little demon that lurked in the back of my mind.  Deactivating Facebook was not enough.  I learned how to delete it, and I did. 

You have to get all of those devils out of your life to have peace.  Some times that devil is a person or a group of people.  Sometimes it's a website like Facebook that is just a vampire and time waster anyway particularly for a person like me. 

The last time I looked the world is still a madhouse.  I'm back blogging again.