How Marriage Went Out of Style in the Black Community

I am going to write things here that some are not going to like or want to accept, but it needs to be written.  I feel I am the person who should do it.  This is going to be painful for me to write.  I feel uncomfortable about being this open.  Nevertheless, it is time that I finally do it to lift a terrible weight off me that I have carried for years. 

For the last decade I've spent a great deal of time with Muslim Turks and have developed a love of Islamic culture and history. I converted to Islam last year then quickly became an apostate because I still have many questions.  I consider myself once again a Christian, but one who is in limbo. 

Unlike in Western culture marriage is highly encouraged and expected in Islam. Family is prized. One of the first questions many Muslims will ask me is if I'm married.  When I tell them, feeling shame, no, they ask why.  Why?  Because I am an educated black woman in America, and if you could only imagine... 

It's very easy to get married in Islamic culture if you want to.  Friends can introduce you to someone, you can easily meet your future spouse while attending an institution of higher learning in a Muslim country, you can seek a Muslim spouse online through Islamic dating sites, you can meet someone at work or randomly, and lastly parents and family can even offer a hand in finding someone for you.  A woman can ask a man to marry her in Islam.  I had a student who told me when her mother was a older orphaned teenager she asked her a widowed and middle aged man to marry her.  At first he hesitated because of the age difference, but eventually this girl's future parents wed.  Sometimes in countries like Iran and Nigeria mass weddings are held where couples and single or widowed women who are having a hard time finding a spouse are married. If you do not get married in a Muslim country, it is a personal choice, not because you cannot find anyone.   Some of the above do or used to apply in American culture, but if you are a black woman you have little to zero options of ever finding a husband who is marriage material or anyone who is willing to marry you.  I was born during the final years of the Baby Boom, and things have steadily collapsed since the time my parents were introduced to each other by my father's sister who knew my mother.  My parents have been married fifty-three years.  A rarity in America.

When I was in high school dating came into vogue.  I found it all atrocious.  The white girls would cuddle up in the hallways a month or two with one guy and then be with someone else a month or two later.  Because of lack of culture or real identity many of the blacks started to do the same thing.  We always take on the worst behavior of the whites and then intensify what they do to even more outrageous heights.  The white girls tried to keep their promiscuity secret, but there were many rumors in high school about who had gotten abortions.  By the 10th and 11th grades there was an avalanche of black girls who had gotten pregnant.  My best friend did, and I was shocked and heartbroken.  She was such a sweet person.   Later she told me she had been raped and how she hated her child's father.  My friend was not a loose girl, so I believed her. The father of her child was a guy I knew who had already graduated from high school.  I was totally turned off by the dating scene.  I saw it as a kind of savagery and a total disregard for other people's feelings.  I was not interested in dating when I was a teenager.  I was too idealistic and just too afraid.  

My freshman year I attended an all women's black college.  There were two other neighboring black colleges in vicinity, one of them all male.  In middle and high school I had seen how many of the black boys were crude and sexual in their behavior.  Many showed little respect for girls. They would use profanity and make open sexual advances. Even I was not left out as a target for their sexual harassment. They also developed a hierarchy of which black girls were most  valued.  If you had long hair, light skin, or was loud and lewd you were seen as the most appealing. One or all three would do.  Things did not change much in college.  Studious girls like me were ignored.   Over time I came to dislike most African American men except some of my uncles who were kind and caring.  I met a few black boys who were nice guys, but the majority were not. 

I transferred back home to my town's university where I met a few foreign men, some from Africa. I found them more learned and gentlemanly.  I wondered why so many black American male did not want to work hard, did not value education, be responsible, or treat women well.   Why couldn't they be more like the Africans and some of the other foreigners I met?  I had to go all the way to Turkey before I ever even received flowers from a man.  I almost married a Turkish man, but things fell apart.  I don't blame him fully.  I also blame myself. I still ask almost everyday what is wrong with black men in America?  Some might say forget African American men and suggest marrying a white American man.  I know my history and I'm aware what still goes on today and the attitudes, so no I could never marry one of them.  I'm a Pan-Africanist, and I have my pride.  

As time went on I realized that I might never get  married because there was really no one to marry.  I confess that after all these years I'm traumatized by what I witnessed in high school.  I do not have many happy memories of that time or ever dream of going back to that period like some people do. When many of my black and white schoolmates found me on Facebook and sent friend requests, I was not excited.  I never really liked most of them.  I was not interested in reconnecting with these people from the past.    

One of the many dirty secrets of the black community is that a lot of African American men are intimidated by a woman who is educated.  Read what this nerdy black woman went through on a date with a black male who could not accept that she was not typical: My Black is Not Your Black, and That's Okay.    You must follow an expected pattern, remain in a certain box if you are a black woman.  If you do not many African American men will find you unacceptable or too "white."  

The darker skinned some black men are the more self hatred they  appear to have. Even someone who is reddish brown like me is not light enough for them. Also this is an era when more and more black men openly say they hate black women in social media and show it by their actions.  A number of  black male entertainers and athletes promote this kind of thinking. They do not feel they are anyone unless they have a white woman on their arm.  Today even where I live in  the Deep South, the cradle of some of the worst white racism on the planet, the majority of the interracial couples you see are black men and white women.  

American society is isolated, selfish, and schizophrenic.  What black people have become is a reflection of the society.  America is not exceptional. It is a grotesque anomaly.  African Americans had a choice not to become degraded, but most of us have fallen into a terrible state where I don't see there can ever be a return.  I am very very ashamed to be American or an African American.  I started calling myself African three years ago.  I feel that I am basically a stateless person now.  

Because of so many twisted attitudes in the black community and society at large marriage went out of style in the black community.  The black community is now based on a hedonistic culture of consumerism, sex, violence, thuggery, and whoredom.  Blacks in America are destroyed.  Without black men and women marrying each other there is no family structure and future of there ever being a healthy black community.  Almost 80% of black children are born out wedlock.  Only about 35% of black women will ever marry.  This is not about the legacy of slavery, a lie and misinformation that a lot of young blacks and few so-called black intellectuals are screaming.  Most of the people in my parents' and grandparents' generation got married. This is about the sick attitudes, recklessness, and immorality that started to get out of hand in my generation.  Today we see the final culmination of sin and bastardization of an already bastardized society, a black president married to a black woman who never once has talked about the fact that most black women in the US will never get a husband. Instead he promotes homosexual marriage.  He looks the other way and refuses to promote our well-being.  

The next time a Muslim asks me why I am not married I'm going to tell him or her that my own people ruined my dream of a marriage and family. In their eyes I am too educated and too decent a woman with traditional values for anyone to consider marrying me in this culture. Really it is too late for me.  The world is upside down here.  It is not like your world.  Maintain your world if you know what's good for you.  In the American black community women decided that the best thing to do was to sleep around and have kids with anybody, and the men decided that the only "good" women were the ones with the worst character.  Females are to be  judged solely by they appearance or how good they are in bed.  

Any Muslim who is enamored with anything American, I urge you to flee.  My one comfort is that I did not have to raise children to suffer as I have in this country.  Let America go to hell. 

African vs. African-American

After some passing years I am re-discovering and focusing on my African roots again.  As I've written in a previous post, I consider myself to be an African in America even though my historical ties to Africa were cut a few centuries ago.  I was born in America, but genetically I will always be an African, and I refuse to deny it, be ashamed of it, or fear it.  

The first foreign country I lived in was in Africa.  In the last 9 years I've forged ties to Turkey and traveled and worked there many times.  Turkey was an episode in my life.  I appreciate the friendship I had with Turkish people, the acquaintances I made, and enjoyed working with Turkish students, but I am not Turkish.  There are some similarities in my family background to experiences found in Turkish culture (ie. close knit family on my mom's side, strict parents), but most non-Western cultures share some similarities, and even though I was born in the West my outlook is not completely Western.  Most of my life I've felt like an outcast and a hybrid.  It has been especially difficult for me being so different because I live in the American Deep South and I am also quite intellectual in my outlook which is something that's rather unique with most blacks and whites in the South and throughout America.  African-American culture is also quite dictatorial in its' views on conformity. Most African-Americans are very much in the box thinkers.  We are not going stray too far outside the herd. For me, to stray away from t the herd has made it a tough journey.  Still I have no regrets for refusing to conform.

From the first I've gotten along fine with Africans I've met. I was curious about them, and I was surprised that they were curious about me.  Perhaps they were because I didn't act like the "typical American."  I've gotten the comment from many foreign people that I don't act like the average or typical American. I am who I am.  It really is no act.  I was always different and felt out of place here.  I tried to conform in early middle school, but my attempt failed and from then on I've developed my own individuality and personality without even the fear of being alone.  I'm human and I get lonely sometimes, but I'd much rather be myself than compromise by putting on a mask.  

I ran across the above video on YouTube a few weeks ago. The young woman in it is of Ugandan and Jamaican parentage. Growing up she experienced a great deal of intra-racial prejudice from African-Americans.  

On social media I'm getting more and more followers and people on my friend's lists who are Africans. I follow a number of African and Afrocentric pages on Facebook.  I've started reading Afrocentric history and works by African writers once again.  

More and more Africans seem to be more visible online these days. It's a good idea for African- or black Americans (some of us don't like to be called African-American) to connect with them.  Africans reach out to me, and I reach back.  Many African-Americans have negative feelings towards Africans. Online I've encountered almost all the blame for slavery being lain at the door of Africans.  It used to be Arabs only, now dark skinned Africans are blamed. 

There are some whites who meddle and want to ease the blame from their history.  They are quick to point out to African-Americans that the Africans sold you into slavery.   Some of them do this whenever they see an American black who wants to seek their historical, cultural, and genetic identity.  I don't feel it's their business, but perhaps at the core of their words is a fear that blacks on the continent and in the Diaspora will eventually unite.  What might happen if they do? Oppressed people are best kept fragmented.  

Many Africans speak two or more languages. Often when they come to America they arrive to further their education they are very dedicated students.  Perhaps some whites fear that we will begin to value education and hook up with the Africans.  If we stop feeling that learning and education is "white," that would mean more competition between whites and blacks here.  

I first met Africans was when I was a university student.  The very first was my roommate. She was from Nigeria, and her father was a doctor.  I was a freshman at Spelman College, and in the freshman class only her, me, and one or two other girls were serious about why we were at the school.  Most of the others were mainly concerned with dating and partying.  Bola, was one of the most studious people I had ever encountered then or since.  In fact, she was a fanatic about studying, getting up early in the morning to hit the books before classes.  After classes she rarely came back to the dorm until late. She stayed in the library until closing time.   

Later in graduate school at the University of Georgia I met African students, some of whom were Ph.D. candidates. They were mainly from countries like Somalia, Malawi, and Kenya.  

Much later I was in Peace Corps in Botswana. I felt for the first time that I come to my true home. I felt so much pride to learn the African National Anthem in Setswana and to see black people controlling their own country where the whites were only the guests.  No one talked about color even against racist apartheid South Africa which was just next door.  The Africans and whites referred to each other by their nationalities. 

I met people in Botswana from African countries such as Ethiopia, South Africa, Zambia, Zimbabwe, and Ghana.  I was struck by the natural elegance in which the African women carried themselves. There was an aura and softness about them that many African-American women lack.  They were not boastful or seemed as if they were compelled to put on a big show that they were strong women. Some African-American women often declare that, "I'm a strong black woman,"  but I never heard any African woman say this.  I never  saw one African woman act like she felt she had to prove something.  I haven't been on the continent for years, but I don't seen such statements coming from African women in social media. The ones I've observed seem to have a quiet strength and knowledge.  

There is a pungent scene in the mini-series Roots when Kunta Kinte is being whipped by the white overseer because he refuses to relinquish his African name and take the slave name Toby.  Even though he is beaten unconscious Kunta says his African name up until the time he passes out from the pain.  Despite being kidnapped from his homeland and becoming a captive and a slave, Kunta Kinte tries his best to retain tiny remembrances and remnants of his culture close to him and in his memory.  He gives his only child an African name.  He never turned his back on his true home.  

For a brief time, back in the 1970s particularly, African-Americans tried to connect with the "Motherland" as many here referred to the continent.  Many men and women wore their hair in Afros, the bigger the better.  Some wore African inspired prints and dashikis. Some couples didn't want to dress in the Western way at their weddings.  They insisted on wearing African garb when they tied the knot.  For some the black existence didn't begin for them in America; they wanted to read about African history and the struggle.  They refused to accept the Hollywood version of ancient Egyptians and some even went so far as to say Jesus was black.  "Black is beautiful" and "Black Power" were charms that gave them confidence, pride, and a sense of hope.  

Now 40 or more years later we have regressed and are back where we came from. In many cases we are in a worse shape.  Many African-Americans are lost identity wise. So much of our so-called culture is based on negativity.  I believe a lot of this comes from unacknowledged despair.  We're devastated spiritually and mentally as a people. Western materialism is not the cure for us or anyone else, but we know nothing else to cling to.  Our things can't save us, make us whole or teach us how to be good husbands, wives, and parents. Families are the basis of any society, and in the African-America marriage and family is nearly extinct. 

There is a kind of silent war raging both in the white dominated culture and within us.  One of the worse aspects of this war is our denial, indifference, and hatred of our African roots. I remember when I was a child how some of the black kids used to make fun of Africans saying they were all ugly and jet-black.  The only African people they ever saw were in National Geographic or on TV. Africans were always described as primitive, warlike, or undernourished.  Their traditional faiths were seen as wicked and dangerous. 

When I met my first live Africans I was surprised how some of them looked like blacks in America.  I saw how some were very dark like the Somalis and Zambians,  but also so attractive and charming.  I'd learned years ago that skin color didn't determine physical loveliness.  I also was impressed how learned some of the Africans were.  Their accents were melodious and soothing.  They were like us blacks, but also very different. I had never seen whites or blacks in America with the kind of aura I sensed in the Africans.  I felt like to talk to them and enjoy their company continuously for days.

Now with social media, African-Americans and Africans have the opportunity to connect, but I doubt if most will.  From my experience most Africans will not be standoffish unless African-Americans behave that way. They will reach out to us. Now in some cases they won't and will even have an elitist attitude towards African-Americans.  However, this has not happened to me except one or two times.  This old article called African vs. African-American: A Shared Complexion Does Not Guarantee Racial Solidarity is still relevant and a must read.  

We have a president who is part African. Over 90% of African-Americans support him and many even have a cult-like worship for him.  Strangely even though some of us hate Africans, we love Obama unquestioningly. We either overlook, dismiss, ignore, are ignorant of, make excuses for any of his wrongdoing.  Obama shows very little sign that he identifies with his black or African side. Some of us make excuses and say with pride that unlike a lot of brothers who move up in the world he didn't marry a white woman or a light skinned black woman.  He married a dark sister, not realizing that a person can have scorn or distaste for an entire race, but will sometimes date or even marry one from that race for which he or she has racist feelings towards.  The one who is liked, loved or "loved," is seen as perhaps an exceptional case and less distasteful as the group he or she came from.  All of our posturing aside, most African-Americans like many Americans are politically naive and reckless while making choices in the political process. . Life just comes in a couple of shades, and that is all we can see or will allow ourselves to see.  

I feel one day we are really going to need the Africans. Our history did not begin with the brutality and crime of slavery. Our history goes back hundreds and thousands of years.  We should learn about it and be proud of it.   It's well past time to re-establish contact with our people and overcome our prejudices and racism against folks who bare some of the same DNA as us.  

In January I will begin trying to contribute my own part in rebuilding our connections with our people. I have asked one of the community centers here in town if I might teach a course using J.A. Rogers' first volume of World's Great Men of Color.  The community center director who is white unhesitatingly agreed to have me teach a course at the center when I presented him with my idea.   It will be a hard task of conquering indifference or dislike of Africans, but I am going to try.   Also I am fully aware that history is not interesting or important to a lot of people in this society.  Africa is overlooked, even by some of its' own born there.  

We live in an era when white Western culture dominates the world and worldview of many who aren't even white or Western.  I feel that my people need to start learning who they really are.  The time of shame and being whipped and beaten in our minds like Kunte Kinte needs to come to an end.  

The Difference Between African-American and African Tweeps

I’m sorry if anyone who is black in this country is offended that I might refer to you as an African-American. I'm not ashamed.  I've said before on here I now go solely by "African" and proudly so. Many are ashamed of, hate or dismiss Africa, and don't want the title of even "African-American."  There is no nationality, country or continent called "Black."  You're keeping yourself in limbo actually by calling yourself just "black."  You're going by a label someone imposed on you.  And believe me, there are some American types who want to keep you confused and in limbo because as long as you're separated from your essence and origin you will remain confused and ultimately less of a threat intellectually and politically here or internationally.  I don't think many other hyphenated Americans are in this much self denial (there are the Michelle Malkins), but I don't have any statistics to back up this argument.  I've even heard some older black people say they are "American" not "African-American."  Old people can be confused too.  Confusion is not just the dominion of the young because there are some young people who are far more socially and politically conscious than their elders.  We live in times of confusion and massive triviality, and it's spreading.  

I've notice this confusion and triviality on Twitter in the Tweets of a few too many African-Americans versus Africans on the continent. Now there are some aware (conscious) African-Americans Tweeps, but they're in a tiny minority.  A sizable amount of Africans often Tweet things of more importance than my people here who too often seem to be into what's on TV, relationships (usually the failed or abusive kind), Tweets cluttered with raunchiness, or just posting sheer mindlessness.  I have to wonder if they even know the meaning of some of the one, two, or three word sentences they post. I certainly don't.  There are also the black Twitter prostitutes, cleavage and more, who appeared after the white Twitter prostitutes.  We as a people love to pick up the worse behavior of the whites.  The few good ideas they have we tend to ignore.  This has been going on a long time.  It's time for a change, and I'm not talking about the Obama kind.  Sadly, fake change and crumbs is all we feel we deserve as a people.

I probably have more Africans who follow me and I follow them back on Twitter than African-Americans.  That's fine with me, but it also makes me feel a little blue.  My Tweets are probably too international for the tastes of those from here.  I am also highly critical of the US domestically as a "culture" and internationally as a self-proclaimed human rights leader. No, I am no cheerleader for here.  I know the past and present history of this country very well. Yes, we have patriotic blacks too, but they don't generally post the US flag everywhere and love guns with an outrageous passion, but these types tend to get a violently allergic reaction at the thought of getting to close to our cousins in the Motherland. Does it mean we have to go back to Africa?  God forbid!  No, but you could move beyond Obama and Tyler Perry in your thinking. There is a world outside of America, you know, but perhaps you don't.

Twitter was once seen as the more intellectual relative of Facebook.  There are some highly intelligent people on Facebook, and a few of them happen to be my Facebook friends.  Everyone on Facebook is not on there just for play or for show.  Recently with the so-called Arab Spring there are people or groups who have popped up on these two most famous social network sites who promote killings and all out war, especially in the case of Libya and Syria, so it goes to show that Facebook and Twitter can become whatever you want it to be...  However, I prefer mine to be beyond the usual. I think if people can use them for killings, sweet nothings, and the mediocre, they can also be used to promote meaningful thought, wisdom, and information.

People might say that so many African-Americans Tweet lobotomized thought because their lives are not as difficult as Africans in Africa.  Perhaps this is somewhat true, but so much of African-American life is a sea of confusion and in shambles in this country.  That we would be Tweeting nothings and the grotesque is sad while many Africans are Tweeting substance. Some of the Africans have a more international awareness in many cases than many African-Americans.  Some also have a very deep understanding of what is happening in their own countries and on the continent. There is an extremely high level of sophistication in Tweets by Africans like @MrBasabose among others. He happens to be one of my favorites.  I actually learn from his Tweets.

I have felt for a long time that despite all the problems and perils, African-Americans and Africans need to connect more.  Here in America too many of us live in an isolation of ignorance.  It's a solitary confinement of confusion, propaganda, and eternal schoolboy and schoolgirl thought.  I would say 10% to at most 20% of the US population is sophisticated about how the world works, but even in my encounters with people here with degrees I see a lot of willful ignorance. It's chic to be ignorant in America even if you have a diploma.  I see it in other groups too, but here it's abysmal. 

It's far overdue that more African-Americans begin investigating and connecting with our people back home and those who have come over here and haven't lost their identity. As a people we are in some cases in a state of ravage far worst than Africans when you look at the state of our families and communities.  We've lived through a special and hidden war and not too much is left. It's time to rebuild and get back on the road we were on in the 70s. We were finding our way back then, but something happened. We've lost a whole generation. 

Even if we can't connect with live Africans there is the virtual universe where many of them will welcome us if we are willing to change our attitudes and overcome the poisoned lies and myths we have been told for too long. We must overcome our own self-hatred and suspicion and then we will be willing to connect with our people across the sea. When I was in Botswana years ago through Peace Corps I was asked why don't black Americans come here.  The whites do, but they never do.  We want more black Americans to come. 

We need to begin thinking about connecting with people who really accept us, not scratching at the door of folks who continuously one way or the other reject us or pretend to accept us out of guilt or as the fad of the day.

I've generalized some here, but I've also told about what I've witnessed.  I hope you get my point.