Severance

There is much conflict in my soul.  Perhaps if I write this and really open up about what I feel and the final severance that I know must come I can survive; perhaps I will feel a little better.  

I have completely distanced myself from this country and this people emotionally except for a few members of my family.  I feel nothing anymore.  Zero. No sympathy, hate, disgust, nothing.  America is an untouchable, something whose fate, good or bad, is not a matter I care about an iota.  

I see myself not as a black American or even an African American, but only as an African now.  I am an African of the Diaspora. Years of outrage and insanity passed off as normal have taken the last bit of sympathy out of me.  As far as I'm concerned even though I was born here and am the holder of an American passport, I am not an American.  I don't and never really had a totally American spirit.  I have always been someone peculiarly foreign, almost what could be defined as an exile.  

I've made a joke to my mother that perhaps I was kidnapped as an infant and was given to her.  My parents were an African king and queen, and they have been looking for me ever since.  They're still out there somewhere roaming and looking.  Perhaps her baby was switched with me.  Perhaps her baby died.  I know this probably sounded cruel to my mother even though the statement was made in jest, but there is something peculiar about me that goes beyond this place.  

I was bullied a lot as a child, and I never have really gotten over it.  I go deep within myself at times.  Sometimes this sailing away into the void was depression, shyness, rage, sarcasm, or aloofness. Over the years it has taken many forms.  


I have started to weed out people in my life little by little whom I feel have no nobility of spirit or character.  I don't want dishonest people around me.   I don't want people around who lack dignity.  I don't want people around me who are selfish and can't sense anyone's pain.  I don't want materialistic people around me who are wedded more to their gadgets than they are to humanity.  I don't want the fake humanitarians and slaves to trends around me who are silent about the wars, but are loudly vocal about animal rights or the unborn.  This kind will rescue a dog from any of the various war zones this country has proliferated, but they could care less about the widow, orphan, elderly person lost, alone and whose everyday is a trial by fire.  I don't want people around me who toy at love and in every breath devalue that glorious word more and more.  I don't want people around me who disrespect me or any black woman.  I don't want people around me who hate the African, the greatest victim of so much prosecution, betrayal, and theft.  I don't want an racist around me of any color, but I want those who will tell it like it about the racism, imperialism, and satanism that is really pushing this world over a cliff.   If you are petty or secretly crude or cruel move off from me.  If love is a game for you and breaking hearts, you need to go where your kind is welcomed.  I don't clean up people's excrement for them.  A lot of people feel their only role in life is to cover their own and other people's excrement.  That is for the servant kind, and I am not that kind of servant.  My honor comes first.  


My profession, teaching, has been spat on and defecated in this country by parents, children, and politicians,  and teachers and other people in the education field have been reduced to the level of masochists just to stay in some thing which will help pay their mortgage and keep them from ending up under a bridge. How does that make me feel?  I am beyond sadness and anger at this point. 

I wish so much that more black people in this country could have used our martyrs Dr. King and Malcolm X as models for dignity, strength, and truth.  I wish we had done all we could to learn about all the African greats that have given their lives and blood for Africa and wanted to see the Pan-African tree grow and burst into bloom. 


America hasn't earned my respect.  You can't just say you're the greatest and expect people with a higher mind to not look at your actions.  I'm sorry, but I can't be blind.  Perhaps that is my great fault living in such a society and world.   I can't allow myself to feel fully comfortable in such a twisted place of racism, naked materialism, a place that is a launching pad for war against humanity and the human spirit.


I never wanted to live and see black people to fall into so much degradation. I didn't care so much what happened to the rest of the society, but for us to fall has been more than I can bear.  I was looking at an article today about young black girls making pregnancy pacts.  This is what segments of us are producing as we look away to small and meaningless things.  We have lost everything, and I don't know if we will ever be capable of recovering ourselves. 

If America was teachable...  If America had not harden its' heart like Pharaoh, but there was always a hardness there.  Look at the history of this place.  

For me it is over.  I have thrown up my hands. The severance.